Saying Goodbye...

Last Wednesday my sweet dog Brodie died.  He was my first baby.  Ryan and I got him the first year we were married. He had just turned seven in July.  I know that seven can be old in dog years but Brodie was a mini daschund and still had many happy years ahead of him. 

We were blindsided. The loss of a pet, a family member, a friend is heartbreaking.  I have never experienced it firsthand before.  And I can honestly say I had no idea how affected I would be by his death. The what ifs, the guilt, the grief and the feeling of  emptiness.  The gaping hole his little furry body, and quick tongue(he loved to give gross, little doggie kisses) left in my life.  All I could think of was how I had failed him. 

Having to be strong for the kids barely got me by the first day.  I am so lucky that even though Ryan is underway I am still able to talk to him almost daily through emails and some days he is even able to call for a few minutes. So when we lost Brodie I was able to cry talk to him about it. Also, my mom came and stayed with me for a few days.  It really helped to have her here to keep me busy, listen to me when I cried and hugged me when I needed it.  She also was a huge help with the kids.  The kids...  it was hard to explain why Brodie died.  He has been around all of their lives and wasn't sick or in any pain.  He just went outside to go potty and never came back inside.  We were able to have a little ceremony for him and the kids and I made him cards and said goodbye. The thing is it is hard to say goodbye to someone you are not ready to let go of.  And a week later I am still not ready to let go of Brodie.

I can't describe how I am right now. I feel better and at the same time I don't. There is an uneasiness that comes from not knowing how we will heal and move on. 

You may wonder why I am posting this here.  Well I am a glutton for punishment.  Last Wednesday I was taking pictures of my dining room to add to a post I was typing up and Brodie's last picture is in with that bunch.  It isn't even a beauty shot of him it's a reflection in the mirror.  It makes me sad to see it.  I was so excited to link this post to a linky party and to have this be Brodie's last picture makes my heart hurt.  This is the only place that picture will be seen. 

Thanks for sticking around.  Even if noone sees this it helps me feel better.

In Loving Memory of Brodie
July 17, 2003-August 11, 2010